It is so hard to get out of bed on a cold Sunday morning.

Even Mrs. Witherspoon agrees.

Because sometimes I can be both mean and petty.

I need to know, once and for all, who does Dave Ran$burg most look like? Until recently, I've always thought Willy Nilly was dead on with Porky Pig. Last summer commenter Snazzybird brought to my attention that Humpty Dumpty and Dave could have been separated at birth. Anyway, I think Ran$burg may attempt to re-enter Peoria's political scene at some point, and I want to get an early start on all the sick humor. Hey, there's nothing quite like getting the Holidays started off right. I'm taking a poll. Please vote. Who does Ran$burg look like more?

This guy...
Or... this guy?



Update: I woefully forgot to add this guy:

Former Mayor Dave has been referred to as the Pillsbury Dough Boy for quite sometime. Whereas I can see the resemblance in body type and skin color, the Dough Boy is just too happy to be Dave. I mean, has anyone ever witnessed Ran$burg laugh, let alone giggle like a little girl? But I have been wrong before (more than once even) so I am adding Dough Boy to the ballot for your consideration. Your vote counts! Vote early and often.

You wanna know what Victoria's big secret is?

The "secret" is that Victoria is a hussy, obviously. Browsing through the Victoria Secret Catalogue this evening, I asked my significant other, "Do you like this gown?" Significant Other really didn't care much about the gown, but asked if I could just stand in the same pose for awhile. Huh. Not quite sure what this comment reveals about my significant other, but I think it might be important.

BTW...Why does this woman look so cranky? I don't think her face conveys a seductive look. I think it's more a, "this friggin garment itches like crazy and these four inch heels are killing me, so could you take the damn picture already?!" I know, I know, what heterosexual male is looking at her face? Blah. Blah. Blah. I've purchased stuff from VS a time or two. It always falls apart the third time through the washing machine.

Yes, Gentlemen, lingerie must be washed occasionally.

Look Mom! I'm a Flappy Bird!!!

Just in time for Thanksgiving!

I better find some neked pics of Russ and Scarlett if I'm going to retain my new blog rank. Sigh. Work. Work. Work!

Hopefully, this will suffice for now:

Aaahhhh. Peace returns.

BTW, Why are Peoria's sunsets so much more colorful in the winter?

Psychopath in-law left early this morning. All that is left to do is to sprinkle holy water and incense throughout the house, burn the sheets in the guest bedroom, take a hot bubble bath, and then I will declare myself healed from the latest invasion from the judgmental stress jockey I am related to by marriage. Well, all the aforementioned remedies plus a bottle of wine. And a box of chocolate. And half a bottle of Xanex... yeah, that ought to do it.

Might even need to make time to watch the director's cut of Gladiator. Russ knows how to make it all better.
Thank God.

I'm starting to see the attraction...

I stayed up really, really late last night and watched "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days" on the USA network. Pretty funny. I don't know if I'd give it such high praise if I'd paid good money to see it in a theatre, but after a day of cooking, washing dishes, and enduring petty comments and stupid advice from a psychopath in law, "How to Lose a Guy" was the perfect brain candy.

Thank God for cable. I would have killed said in law in their sleep last night if I didn't have the very handsome Matthew to view.

Bill, would you mind drying my back?

I don't give a rat's ass if it's safe for work or not

Scarlett wants Bill Dennis to know...

"I wax early and often, Honey."

For those of you expecting family this holiday...

Remember it could be worse. You could be related to these people.


The holidays are a reminder that we leave home and become independent, free thinking, capable adults for a good reason. The holidays also serve to keep us humble. How great can you be if you share DNA with a guy who undoes his pants at the dinner table in order to make more room for seconds? If you're snickering because you don't share DNA with such people, smack yourself. You willingly married into this family of freaks.

Ladies, don't be control freaks. You want people to have a good time right? Let the guys watch football. No one wants to play charades. Everyone hates charades, and they roll their eyes at you when your back is turned. Turn off the tube for dinner and then let folks do what they want. Better memories are made when folks are happy. Keep the prayer short, and for the love of God, don't make us go around the table and share what we are thankful for. (Real answer: At some point this torture will be over and we can go home.)

Guys, when dinner is served, get your ass to the table. Don't wait until half time or the moment suits you. People worked while you sat around and scratched yourself all so that you could stuff your face. Here's a thought... since the ladies have been working all day, how about the men do the dishes for a change? Fair is fair.

Guests, unless asked, don't give advice. The dining room was painted green because your host/hostess likes green. Please don't go on and on about how lovely a pale yellow would look in a home where someone else pays the mortgage. Your host/hostess knows that you believe a stuffed turkey stays moist, but your hostess believes said stuffing had her stopping to puke at every rest stop on the journey home last year. This year, it's her house, and she's gonna do it HER way. Let go, make yourself useful, and offer to peel the potatoes. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT offer to dust using a comment like, "Clearly you have been too busy for thorough housekeeping, Dear." Your hostess also does not want to entertain your views on disciplining her children, thank you, you old bitty/hag.

Kids, don't gripe about having to sit at the kiddie table. I finally got a seat at the grownup table last year -at forty something- when someone died. It isn't all it's cracked up to be, trust me. Everyone notices when you don't eat Aunt Suzie nasty candied yams. The only thing that makes the grownup table tolerable is the wine.

Speaking of wine, liquor is to flow freely during the holidays. You should definitely bring a bottle. Or two. Skip the flowers and bring three. Jesus turned water into wine for a reason. To prevent us mere mortals from taking our kin too seriously and strangling a relation in lieu of the bird. My holiday commandment is to keep a sense humor by always having a glass of liquor in hand. Burnt bird, a little broken china, an over flowing toilet... all humorous when combined with the proper amount of liquor.

God speed, and remember, if they behave in a particularly evil manner, lace their pumpkin pie with a few drops of raw turkey juice. Works like a charm. Trust me. Heh. Heh.

Ring. Ring. Clue phone. Randy Ray, it's for you!

Might want to answer that, Randy.

I'm told by one of the few who attended the last Grandview Hotel court hearing that Judge Barra told City Attorney, Randy Ray, something to the effect of, "If the injured party would like to file the proper motion regarding the closure, The Court's findings on the matter would be expedient."

To which Randy Ray replied, "We will file the Motion tomorrow, Judge."

That was last Thursday, November 16th. This morning I read in the Journal Star that the City plans to file the proper papers TODAY, Wednesday, 23rd.

Apparently Mr. Ray has a problem reading between the lines. IMHO, the Judge basically told Ray, "I don't appreciate my closure order being ignored. Kindly get off your lard ass and file the necessary paperwork so I can enforce my earlier order." As always, greater legal minds might disagree with Polly.

We will see if the Journal Star has better luck, via public embarrassment, getting the heavy hitters at the City's Legal Department to do their job. Huh. They are -in theory- going to file today, a day before Thanksgiving. Courts are closed tomorrow. Most likely, the soonest anything could happen regarding the Hotel is Monday or Tuesday. The timing, as always, is a bit fishy. Whose side is the City on, exactly?

Chase, you may have that olive branch you were looking for.