There's something about Mary.

As a Christian, I am most appreciative that God sent his only son to die a horrible, miserable, painful death in order to pay for my numerous sins. I am thankful and humbled by the sacrifice made for me, and amazed that forgiveness is mine for the asking. Jesus is the reason for the season. Actually, he is the reason for the whole religion.

But there is something about Mary. I think Christianity doesn't give her sacrifice near the recognition it deserves.

Imagine. You don't get to enjoy a satisfying roll in the hay with the love of your life, but you wind up pregnant anyway. Some selfish king couldn't give a rat's ass that you have just entered your fourth trimester of pregnancy. He wants your name on his tax rolls, no excuses. During a long, miserable donkey ride your water breaks and strong, painful contractions begin. You are a very young woman with no access to medical care, or even your mother. What woman wouldn't be terrified? You can't get a hotel room anywhere in town, not even the Grandview! You wind up in a dirty stable where you labor for hours without the benefit of a doctor- let alone pain medication. At last, while amused farm animals look on, you give birth to a healthy son.

Relieved and exhausted, you are now expected to entertain. Hours ago, you were an inconvenience. Now that you have given birth to the Son of God, angels sing, and a huge star is placed in the sky so that the king's men and all the townfolk can come take a look. They don't care that you haven't even had the chance to bathe. I love the fact that every artist paints Mary - just hours after giving birth - as both beautiful and serene. And the "Wise Men!" Ha! Don't get me started! These guys learn of the birth of the Messiah and what do they do? Bring impractical gifts for the baby! Gosh, guys, don't you have enough pull to at least get this family a room at the Ritz? A Motel Six? At least bring a casserole.

The birth of Christ was difficult enough, but can you imagine what his death must have been like for his mother? I've always thought losing a child would be the hardest burden to bare. The only thing worse would be to helplessly witness your son tortured and slowly put to the death.

There are a few things about being Catholic that trouble me, but IMHO, it is the only sect of Christianity that even comes close to paying Mary the respect and admiration she deserves. At every Mass, Catholics recite in unison:

Hail Mary, Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.
Amen.

Today is put aside as a day to celebrate the birth of Christ, but I always want to shout, "What about Mary?!" This may strike some as blasphemy, but I'd be willing to wager that Mary was not the delicate, petite flower of womanhood portrayed in paintings. I think Mary was probably one tough cookie. She would have to be, which is why God chose her to birth his only son.

So, Happy Birthday, Jesus! And to the new Mommy, Mary, thanks and well done. There will always be a soft bed, clean sheets, and a hot casserole waiting for you at Polly's Place.

For those of you expecting family this holiday...

(This was originally written last Thanksgiving, but it got a lot of hits, so I thought I would re-post it.)

Hey! It could be worse, this could be YOUR mother-in-law.

The holidays are a reminder that we leave home and become independent, free thinking, capable adults for a good reason. The holidays also serve to keep us humble. How great can you be if you share DNA with a guy who undoes his pants at the dinner table in order to make more room for seconds? If you're snickering because you don't share DNA with such people, smack yourself. You willingly married into this family of freaks.

Ladies, don't be control freaks. You want people to have a good time right? Let the guys watch football. No one wants to play charades. Everyone hates charades, and they roll their eyes at you when your back is turned. Turn off the tube for dinner and then let folks do what they want. Better memories are made when folks are happy. Keep the prayer short, and for the love of God, don't make us go around the table and share what we are thankful for. (Real answer: At some point this torture will be over and we can go home.)

Guys, when dinner is served, get your ass to the table. Don't wait until half time or the moment suits you. People worked while you sat around and scratched yourself all so that you could stuff your face. Here's a thought... since the ladies have been working all day, how about the men do the dishes for a change? Fair is fair.

Guests, unless asked, don't give advice. The dining room was painted green because your host/hostess likes green. Please don't go on and on about how lovely a pale yellow would look in a home where someone else pays the mortgage. Your host/hostess knows that you believe a stuffed turkey stays moist, but your hostess believes said stuffing had her stopping to puke at every rest stop on the journey home last year. This year, it's her house, and she's gonna do it HER way. Let go, make yourself useful, and offer to peel the potatoes. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT offer to dust using a comment like, "Clearly you have been too busy for thorough housekeeping, Dear." Your hostess also does not want to entertain your views on disciplining her children, thank you, you old bitty/hag.

Kids, don't gripe about having to sit at the kiddie table. I finally got a seat at the grownup table last year -at forty something- when someone died. It isn't all it's cracked up to be, trust me. Everyone notices when you don't eat Aunt Suzie nasty candied yams. The only thing that makes the grownup table tolerable is the wine.

Speaking of wine, liquor is to flow freely during the holidays. You should definitely bring a bottle. Or two. Skip the flowers and bring three. Jesus turned water into wine for a reason. To prevent us mere mortals from taking our kin too seriously and strangling a relation in lieu of the bird. My holiday commandment is to keep a sense humor by always having a glass of liquor in hand. Burnt bird, a little broken china, an over flowing toilet... all humorous when combined with the proper amount of liquor.

God speed, and remember, if they behave in a particularly evil manner, lace their pumpkin pie with a few drops of raw turkey juice. Works like a charm. Trust me. Heh. Heh.

IT'S A BOY!!!

Mother, (exhausted from long arduous travel on donkey, drug free labor in a dirty manger, next to farm animals) and baby doing well.
Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas Prego Man.

Per your request, here is a little Ms. Fonda for you.



Now, for my Christmas present, I would like you to explain your handle.

A special Christmas decoration for Bill Dennis

I think Scarlet has actually decided to be the tree this year. Works for me!

Achoo... Bless you... and get @#$%*! off my flight!

I hate to fly. Absolutely despise it. Unlike most people, the thought of plummeting to the ground to my death with 200 screaming strangers isn't a problem. Frankly, should such an event take place I most certainly will soil myself, and I prefer my last few moments of shame not be witnessed by those people who know, love, or respect me. My hatred of flying comes the knowledge that I am breathing the recirculated air of 200 or so strangers. Flying in an commercial aircraft has a lot in common with being stuck in an elevator for hours on end. You are inhaling the noxious gases of fellow passengers, along with any other bacterial or virus vermin they may care to share. Because Polly has been an extra good girl this year, she was stuck on a holiday flight to Florida sitting next to a guy with a cold. A bad cold. Worse than a cold. Hell, this huge mucus membrane posing as a human being may have been sporting the latest mutation of the avian flu.

Forget terrorism. Forget the security checks. Body cavity searches? Useless. Instead of just checking for weapons the TSA needs to be checking for illness. Everyone should have to have their temperature taken before boarding an airplane. While waiting at the gate, any passenger who sneezes should be booted off the flight. There should be sensors to detect any personal gas emitted from passengers waiting to board. If they can put smoke detectors in aircraft bathrooms, they ought to be able to put fart detectors in the cabin.

I have been sick a few times in my life. I do have compassion for the ill. Except for when they try to fly. You see, I do not appreciate the hassle of modern travel, some of it rather humiliating (hell, if I want some "action" these days, I only need to go through airport security) only to arrive two flights, numerous delays, lost luggage, and a piece of crap rental car later at my destination SICK because some inconsideration nimrod didn't want to change his plans. Yeah, ruin it for the rest of us, you ASS.

So, for the snotball who sat next to met on United Airlines flight 268 to Fort Lauderdale yesterday, I hope Santa brings you JACK SQUAT!!!

Scarlett and I were going to invite Bill over to the dorm after tonight's City Council meeting....

but then he got mean and blew it (Scroll down to Bill's comment. Skip over Ingersoll's typical tirade of crap.) Just to give you an idea of what you're missing, Bill, here is the first frame of the video we are shooting.



That'll learn ya!

This just in: Ingersoll gives the gift that keeps on giving.... Homelessness

The Grandview Hotel is going to close any moment. The latch ditch effort to get another day in court failed.

I watched. It was painful. Horribly, terribly, painful. Think root canal. Peoria City Attorney, Randy Ray, was his pathetic self. I would have been concerned, but an even more pathetic attorney represented the Grandview Hotel residents. Judge Barra was stuck. It was obvious that Barra didn't want to evict the hotel guests, but simply put, THEY HAD NO CASE. As an act of charity, Barra gave them another fourteen days to file, but could not find any valid cause to stay his order closing the hotel. Barra stated the residents case didn't come close to showing any property rights, let alone a violation of due process.

IMHO: The sad excuse for a lawyer representing the hotel guests led his clients down a path he knew he was going to lose, he didn't even put forth much of an effort. (The guy didn't seem prepared, let alone capable of passing the bar exam.) Barra even tried to help him out by attempting to clue him on the very basics of law. I'm telling you. It hurt to watch.

I wonder if this whole drama would have concluded differently if either side had semi decent legal representation. If The City had been more legally aggressive, the hotel would have been shut down sooner. If Ingersoll, Jain, or the hotel residents had been able to exploit The City's inadequate legal representation with a half way decent lawyer of their own, they could have probably kept this in Court for years.

So, it's all over. The only thing left to do is wait for the Red Cross van to show up and watch for the next sad stunt Chase will try. Chain himself to the doors perhaps? Declare all hotel residents live in employees? Declare the purchase invalid and turn the property back over to Jain? Whatever comes next, you can count on it to be feeble, transparent and useless.

It ain't over until the disbarred attorney sings.

President Bush takes it on the chin.

"There seems to be an epidemic of honesty coming from Washington today." -Bob Schafer, commenting last week on the Bush Administration's confession that the Federal Response to Hurricane Katrina was lousy, the intelligence information used to justify the Iraq War was faulty, and approximately thirty thousand civilians have been killed in the conflict thus far.

Wow. They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. We might actually have something to work with now. We can only hope. And pray. Hard.

Bush is on the road to redemption. Giving the people what they want. I admit, The President did very well in his PBS interview with Bob Leher last Friday. The results of an uninterrupted interview vs. a major network news nanosecond sound bite is profound. President Bush intelligently explained his reasoning without stuttering or flubbing up once. I almost believed he made it through Harvard Business School without cheating. Much.

Tonight's speech to the nation was a bit of a let down. Clearly, teleprompters make Bush uncomfortable. Nonetheless, the message was clear. We are making headway in Iraq. Yes, the road to victory has been more difficult and painful than anticipated. Yes, it was my decision to get into this war and, yes, the intel sucked. It is taking longer to train Iraqi Police Forces than we had planned. However, Iraqi elections have been successful. The end is in sight. A little more patience please. We are getting there. God, Mr. President, I hope so.

It is refreshing to hear something other than petty excuses and false promises come out of D.C. Having a President admit he made a mistake and is working to rectify it sits well with me. No! Clinton's confession of having sex with an intern doesn't count as a "mistake." Mistakes are unintended actions with unforeseen consequences. The pain that results from accidentally stepping on someone's toe, for example

It's Christmas. Tis the season for contrition. But not contrition for contrition's sake. George W. might have been wrong about a few key things, but he isn't signing up to play the role of Whipping Boy. Yeah, I might have authorized NSA to listen in on a few domestic phone calls made to the Middle East right after 9/11, what of it? Wanna take it outside?" I'm on Bush's side on this one. Remember how you felt watching the Twin Towers fall? Whatever it took to find who was responsible, I wanted it done. Whatever it took to make sure it never happened again. Do it. I would have willingly submitted to a body cavity search before boarding a city bus, let alone a commercial airplane. It was the early days of war against an unknown enemy. A few civil liberties were bound to be dented in order to discover just what we were up against. The Administration didn't trust a Judge to know what was best during war time. Fine by me. Puhlease. I've overheard the conversations of stranger's telephone conversations through my niece's baby monitor. In this modern age of poorly aimed satellite beams and radio waves, I'm not sure why anyone would have an expectation of privacy when using the telephone. It's a fine line between being a just, intelligent individual (conservative) and a doomed, naive twit (liberal).

I also thought tonight's Tom Brokaw's Special was good. He followed a group of young soldiers who had recently returned home from combat duty in Iraq. Some of the young men were seriously wounded. Adjusting to civilian life after combat is as much of a feat now as it was for previous generations. I was angered to learn of yet another area where our Government inexcusably does not have its shit together. The treatment of wounded soldiers after they return home is pathetic. Yes, they receive medical care, a purple heart, and a declaration of gratitude from a thankful nation. All which does Jack to pay the bills. Lose a leg in Iraq? In between the pain, physical therapy, nightmares, and flashbacks, you will be forced to sit around indefinitely while some dorkwads at the Pentagon exchange paperwork and guess your level of disability and corresponding disability pay. Moreover, while said dorkwads are trying to figure out what your blown off leg is worth, you are still considered Active Duty. Meaning you are not allowed to attend college or get a job. You are stuck. Required to steep in misery, planted in the past, not knowing when you will be allowed to seek a future.

Hey, President Bush! So, now that you are all about embracing responsibility, how about a little support for our returning troops?

Russell Crowe

Are you not entertained?