We Are Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them.

Which is the main problem Bush seems to be overlooking. Hunting down terrorists, potential terrorists, wanna-be-terrorists, (and folks who happen to have the poor fortune of living next door to any of the aforementioned)"over there" before they have the opportunity to find their way "over here" must be the stupidest foreign policy of all time. We've pissed off so many people at this point that the U.S. would have to use nukes for this to work, and that isn't likely since we don't want to contract thyroid cancer when we harvest the oil.

Terror hunting has given governments carte blanche to do as they like, when they like. No one blinks when the U.S. bombs suspected terrorists in Somalia now? Not confirmed terrorists, mind you, suspected terrorists. Although the U.S. may or may not have killed terrorists, one thing is certain. Both sides agree that confirmed -not suspected- civilians were hit.

Huh. China killed some of its own last week too. Of course, the Chinese government is known for this. Their official excuse this time? "They were terrorists."

Of course they were.

I heard the rumors...

I but I didn't believe them. HA!!! I was at a holiday open house over the weekend and a little lady was collecting signatures for none other than GALE THETFORD to run for an At Large City Council seat. You'd think after the spanking' Bob Manning gave Thetford when she ran to retain her Council seat in the last City election she would take the hint.

All I can say is...
"Um.."

Thetford began every single painful and long winded speech she gave while on the Council with "Um." She should use it as her campaign slogan.

Gawd, are Ran$burg and Marcella going to attempt to rise from the dead and defeated too?

Airlines SUCK. Big time.

I hate travel, I really do. Specifically, I hate air travel. Boarding an airplane rates close to root canal on my to do list. The reason for my absolute disdain of airplanes has little to do with a fear of flying. As I've blogged before, I realize and accept that I'm more likely to die driving in my car, on my way to root canal, than I am on an airplane. Or so I'm told. I'm beginning to have my doubts.

My hatred of air travel is due to the fact that many of my fellow passengers are inconsiderate slobs. These days, spending time on a commercial flight is akin to being trapped in an unvented elevator with a couple of homeless winos for at least three hours.

Polly has been dieting. Polly has been working out. Polly has been Heelying like a mad woman. Polly thinks her arse is looking quite shapely these days and the tape measure agrees. To reward myself, I bought a brand new, grown up, black pin stripe Brooks Brother's suit. I know, sounds stuffy and boring, but trust me. It's not. I like shopping for clothes almost as much as I like air travel. In a rare moment of boredom and weakness I stepped into Brooks Brothers in Chicago. Weak because I FREEZING and simply had to warm myself before continuing my walk to the Metra station.

I'm telling you, this suit called my name. Trying it on was an out of body experience. The garment has magic powers. Once on, cellulite disappears. I'm three inches taller. It says size 10 on the label, but I look like a size 2. Cindy Crawford would be jealous. Other shoppers watch me admire myself in the store's three way mirror. I can feel their envy. The ghosts of Audrey Hepburn and Grace Kelly applaud. I feel so gorgeous in this suit I'd wear it on my wedding day. I have the abilty to cure cancer, clear the national deficit, and bring about world peace in this suit. There is only one like it left. Moreover, The Suit is on SALE. To look and feel like this for $500 is a bargain. Euphoria.

Like an idiot, I wore my new suit on a commercial flight. Anyone else notice that airplanes are exceedingly filthy these days? Do not reach into the seat pocket in front of you. God only knows what you will find. Three week old used tissues filled with ebola. Last time I checked the seat pocket in front of me I found a used needle. I can only pray the passenger who placed it there suffered from diabetes and not AIDS. Look at the floor and seats. They haven't been vacuumed in months. Such foul decay of the interior cabin really makes one wonder what the maintenance standards are for the rest of the plane. If the engine of the aircraft is neglected in this manner we are all going to die.

Polly sat on a wad of gum thoughtfully chewed and left behind by a previous passenger. My gorgeous new suit, ruined. My formerly perky butt now sagging with depression. Mankind denied my profound beauty and amazing intellect brought about by the magic suit. The magic suit super powers do not include the ability to repel the goo that's penetrated the weave of its fabric. The suit has been defiled, victimized. Don't cry for me. Cry for the magic suit.

Next time I will hitch hike. Probably a safer and cleaner mode of transportation.

So Sick It Just Might Work...

The PJ Star is for sale. Today's Word on the Street column hints that local big wigs with deep pockets have been approached with the goal of local ownership. That's the trend these days, or so we're told.

As much as I love Gary Sandberg, I don't see him coming up with the cash to buy the overpriced paper. Gary gets more votes than anybody with a lot less cash than any other candidate, but even with that sort of genius I don't think he'd even want the hassle of owning a paper.

HOWEVER, how about having a BLOGGER OWNED paper? Okay, and blogger owned and reader supported newspaper. Why? Just so we could remind Bailey who he works for before he glibly writes another stupid editorial that Fire Stations are silly and far less important than funding for the arts.

Heh. Heh.

Guns Don't Shoot People in the Testicles...

People shoot themselves in the testicle(s).

Sigh. Why can't more mishaps involving guns be like this one?!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

(AP) A man who was attempting an abduction stuck a gun in his waistband when it fired, shooting him in the left testicle, police in Wichita, Kan., said. He cringed, and the gun fired again, striking him in the left calf. The 23-year-old walked into a hospital. He and two others were accused of trying to kidnap a teen in a dispute over stereo speakers.

Polly's view:

The only tragedy here is that the second bullet hit the left calf instead of the other (right) testicle. Then society would have the added benefit/comfort of knowing this gun toting moron could no longer reproduce.

Seriously, I think a partial, although not perfect, answer to reducing the innocent gun slaughter of U.S. citizens would be to require those applying for a gun license take an I.Q. test. Anyone who doesn't score 100 or above can't have a gun. Yes, the same for driving. I haven't thought this one through yet, but should I become Queen, I'm thinking an ethics test might be in order as well, as well as a gun safety exam. Hell, throw in a mental health test in there too, couldn't hurt.

Yeah, I hate government red tape too, but there is that rare occasion when it serves a good purpose. I, for one, love it when the Health Department shuts down a roach infested restaurant. It's a good day when government seizes a crack house, or condemns and then destroys property that a slum lord couldn't get off his lard ass to maintain. Yes, that doesn't happen much here in Peoria, but I understand it happens in other places, and if true, it's a wonderful thing.

As I've written before, not every person who has or wants a gun is an idiot, but every idiot is attracted to guns. Like some birds are attracted to shiny things. Like moths are attracted to a flame. Like politicians are attracted to spending money they don't have, etc.

Guns, fireworks, and idiots go together like beer, pizza, and hot wings.

A note to Bill Dennis, With Love

Bill Dennis over at the Pundit changed his format again. I give up. Go cross-eyed young man, see if I care! His most recent template change isn't as nearly as annoying as the previous migrane inducing formats, (anyone remember "watermelon") so I'll let it slide. Criticize all you like, but Bill is one Peorian that doesn't fear change. We can learn from him. In the last year Bill has changed jobs, homes, towns, as well as templates. Bill, Lovey, Scarlet and I sent our annual Festivus card with our non tax deductible donation, and it came back! I guess you don't have the P.O. Box anymore? You need to include a snail mail address to your site so pseudo-anonymous bloggers can support our favorite Blog Father.

HEELY! HEELY! HEELY!

Polly has found the cure for depression, PMS, Dumb Democrats, Dirty Republicans, Erectile Disfunction, PJ Star Editorials, Dork Wad Bosses, Lazy Ass Co-Workers, Terrorism, Locusts, Morbid Obesity, EVERYTHING. It isn't a magic pill. It isn't a frontal lobotomy (did I spell that right? Er, Eyebrows, help me out.) Anyway, every affliction known to mankind -except crappy spelling- SOLVED!!! Everyone, get out your credit cards. Go to Zappo.com and buy yourself a pair of HEELYS. No, you're not too old. Yup. They make em in grown up sizes. If my Christmas bonus doesn't completely suck ass (and it will) I'm gonna buy the entire City Council a pair. FUN! FUN! FUN! Why didn't somebody come up with this sooner?! Cutie Pie UPS driver delivered my pair today. Can I tell you? Fun AND an awesome work out. No, not sex. Get your mind out of the gutter, Bill. HEELYS. My thighs and arse feel slimmer and trimmer already and it's FUN. Scarlet better watch out. If my thighs get any stronger I might accidentally rip her head off some night.

You know who would really enjoy a pair of these? DeWayne Bartels. DeWayne, Buddy, forget scuba diving, and star gazing... Snoozeville! HEELY! HEELY! HEELY! I was suppose to cook the turkey tomorrow, but my kitchen isn't big enough to HEELY in, so I'm rolling on down to Schnucks now to buy a pathetic pre-cooked T-day meal. Let the inlaws partake of the nasty greenbean casserole. BTW, if you dump a can of creamed anything in food, well, that ain't cooking. You want creamed green beans? Try REAL CREAM. Oh, never mind. HEELY! HEELY! HEELY!

I may never blog again, I'm so filled with fun and mirth. Happy HEELY!!!

Another Republican Takes the Hint.... THANK GOD!!!

Oh please, please, please let it be true. Chistmas comes to Peoria early! Today's Word On the Street Column dishes the tasty rumor that John Morris won't be seeking re-election for his At-Large City Council seat. The excuse given for Morris' delightful departure: "family." Yeah, right. Read: A blood relative told John Boy he didn't have a shot in hell of winning, and to please shut the heck up and stop embarrassing the family name.

I suppose I should be sharing in the Republican major depressive episode following last week's elections, but I can't work up the energy. I readily admit the boot kicking was well deserved and it was time to clean house. The only truly lingering wound is having to endure Gov. Chicagovich for the foreseeable future. Then again, really sore losers find ways to indict. Polly recently received a jury duty summons... Oh, wouldn't that be sweet?

We got the best of possible outcomes in the Schocks v. Spears race. Two smart, hardworking men will continue in public service. I like Schock and think he is a good state rep, but I would have been happy for Spears had he won. However, since Spears helped to craft the current City Council with appointment of brother-in-law George Jacobs- I think Bill should stay in the horse shoe and reap the rewards of his brilliant design. Billy, just think of all the stuff you can finally get done once Morris is gone. At a minimum, City Council meetings are guaranteed to be much, much, shorter. I still think Schock should have stepped up for Shadid's seat. Koehler gives me the willies.

Nationally, Rumsfield is out! My guess is that Rove or Cheney will be next. My money is on Cheney. The Iraq War has been botched and anyone with an I.Q. over 50 should have known "Stay the Course" as a strategy - let alone as campaign slogan/booster - was asinine. Look for an elegant exit, i.e., headlines to the effect of, "V.P. Quits After Heart Condition Worsens." Dick doesn't -or shouldn't- have the heart to stay the course either.

A Thank You Note to Aaron Schock and Bill Spears

Okay, the black clouds over my head seem to be lifting and parting. A little. I'm starting to feel some relief from my latest massive depressive episode. Imagine that!!! It didn't require a hospital stay or violence of any kind. Well, there was some yelling. My Significant Other is still trembling under the bed. Babe, I swear, you can come out now. It's safe for the next twenty eight days. Promise.

I have Aaron Schock and Billy Spears to thank. The entertainment that has surrounded their campaigns has been fantastic. Downing a bottle or two of Prozac followed by a chaser of Ativan would not have brought the instant relief that these two have given me. Polly just loves a heated race.

I've kept my opinions to myself on this race because I am torn. I've met and like Bill and Aaron. Both fall into the category of Decent and Productive Politician- quite rare these days. Spears has been a gentle force on the City Council. Everyone seems to like and respect him. When one can say that both Sandberg and Nichting respect you and want to hear what you have to say... Well, that's leadership! I don't think Bill's plan to bring Ceasefire to Peoria is revolutionary. A solid campaign tactic to be sure, but this latest program aimed at ending crime and gun violence doesn't seem to differ from the many other programs that already exist and have failed to combat the problem. Along with every other cynical voter, I ask, "Bill, why now?" You have served as a City Councilman for forever and crime has always plagued Peoria. Now that you are attempting to reach for bigger and better things, well, Springfield anyway, it just dawns on you to bring this progressive program our way?! Er, thanks. I was a bit surprised when Bill opted to chase a State Rep seat shortly after he received the City Council of his dreams. He hand picked his brother-in-law, George (who admittedly is doing a fine job) to fill the open At Large seat after his best buddy, Ardis, was elected mayor. Is it just me, or does Barbara seem to have a teeny weeny little crush on Bill? I know. Me too. Manning seems to have found a solid mentor in Bill as well. Obviously, everyone knows Bill has Ardis' ear. All okay by me. All involved are intelligent, humble, well meaning beings. Clearly Spears is a good leader. Yet every wet Spring we hear about flooding in his District, and he claims to be hard at work to combat it. Yet, he voted for a Budget which neglected to fund the long needed, critical repairs necessary avoid sewage from overflowing into rec rooms of homes in the fourth distict. Aaron, his Fire Station 11 vote is good ammo as well. He claims to be in the "Basic, Essential Services First" camp, but when push comes to shove- he voted to partially shutter the Station. Looking for more? Well, Bill does flip flop a bit. He went back and forth on whether or not to buy the over priced water company. Had he not decided to run for your State Rep seat, I think he would have voted to buy the damn thing.

Aaron, I told you to go for Shadid's seat! Your humbleness prevented you from a sure win. Don't get me wrong, I like Ernie and all. Nice guy. However, jumping into the race after Blair jumped out automatically put Russell way behind. Nonetheless, the latest ad from Bill's camp accusing you of going easy on child murderers is asinine. I wouldn't worry much about it. No one wants to live next to a murderer, regardless of who they killed. That much is obvious. Have you introduced legislation forbidding Uncle Sam from placing a nuclear missile silo next to a pre-school? No? You bum! Legislation in other parts of the land which forbids convicted child molesters from living anywhere near children -not just within a few hundred feet of a school- has been proven not to make the public any safer. It has, however, proven to suck up the man hours and the inflate the cost of police protection. I would wager most child killers, who -don't misunderstand me- are scum through and through, are caretakers (i.e., drunk, high, and stupid boyfriends) who couldn't endure the cries of an infant interrupting their football game/meth induced high, not sickos who are just looking for an opportunity to kill children. Besides, as recent events in Amish Country have proven, where one lives does little to prevent the slaughter of innocent kids. My question is why a convicted child killer could be living next to anyone except the guy in the next prision cell, but that's an entirely different post.

I think Bill's attacks on your School Board service will serve as more potent ammo. I don't hold you accountable for the evil doings of Kay. Moreover, I think you should only be held responsible for the balance sheets you were given. You were one of the first to cry "Foul!" when District 150's finances were revealed to be in a sorry state. And we have you, in large part, to thank for the ouster of Rouster. Moreover, every piece of legislation you introduced last year was passed, and that says a lot for a newly minted State Representative. If Bill chooses to focus on your School Board service, it proves that he can't find anything worthwhile to attack regarding your fine stint as a State Rep. I was especially impressed by your bill giving No Bush Left Behind the fine tuning it so desparately needed. Thanks to you, schools will no longer have to give an eight year old student, one who suffers from severe mental retardation, the same exact test as an eight year old gifted prodigy, and report their scores in the same category- penalizing good schools, teachers, and kids for events and conditions beyond their control or ability to repair and/or improve.

You work hard, as does Bill, and I just want to thank and encourage you both to keep up the fantastic campaign. Aaron, I didn't think that it could get any better than your hard fought campaign again Ricca. Seems like that delicious victory was just yesterday.

Schock and Spears have kept those greedy pharmaceutical companies from getting any more of Polly's anti-depressant dime, and I really appreciate it. I'd vote for both of you if I could, but Polly doesn't live in Chicago.

Keep up the good work!

No, Guns Don't Kill People....

... People -without-a-criminal-record-no-history-of-mental-illness-legally-able-to-buy-numerous-weapons-and-ammunition-line-and-tie-up-little-girls-who-lived-in-a-community-devoted-to-peace-and-forgiveness-and-easily-efficiently-quickly-execute-said-little-girls-in-the-head... KILL PEOPLE.

If you aren't safe in an one room school house in Amish country, to hell with everything.

Including this blog.