"When you feel hurt but do not harm the other, you are truly victorious."
-Thich Nhat Hanh-
Buddhist Monk
I feel for Merle Widmer, I do. A member of the "Greatest Generation," Merle has worked hard his entire life and has done his damnedest to make the world a better place. He asks little in return. Just a bit of respect, perhaps. He wants us to display a little bit of decency for fellow inhabitants of the planet. These days decency and respect are getting harder to come by and that is a bitter pill for Merle to swallow. So, I can understand how a punk teenager/passenger on a school bus traveling on the highway, who threw a soda can out of the bus window, served as a the straw that broke the camel's -or Merle's- back.
I don't agree with Merle's response, which was to force the driver of the school bus to pullover, allow Merle to board, and read the riot act to the kids, Coach, and bus driver. In fact, if one of my nieces had been on that bus, I'd probably be whining that Merle spend a night or two cooling his temper off in jail. Pulling over on the side of a freeway is an inherently dangerous thing to do, even when absolutely necessary. It simply wasn't. In all honesty, I did worse than throw a pop can out the school bus window when I was a teenager. I will wager good money that so did Merle. We all have regrets from our youth, when impulse won out over good sense and common decency.
Nonetheless, I feel a great deal of sympathy for Merle. Most worthwhile human beings allow their passions to get the best of them now and again. Anyone who reads Merle's blog on a regular basis knows that he is greatly saddened by the rudeness and the lack of work ethic that seems -at least at times- to be overtaking our society.
I know some think that posting The Ten Commandments in the classroom is the solution to society's ills. Others think high schools should require ethics courses in order to graduate. Me? Well, Polly thinks Charm School is the answer. Not just for little girls in the South. Everyone should attend charm school. It should be required along with reading, writing and arithmetic in elementary through high school. College and graduate school as well. Anyone who wants a driver's license, a gun, a liquor license, the right to vote, buy a pack of cigarettes, hell, purchase a friggin cell phone... anything that could possibly endanger society, should have to prove they have a firm grasp of basic manners.
You see, manners are nice. They serve to include people. Good manners attempt to make everyone feel comfortable and welcome. Charm School doesn't have to be the stereotypical sexist, debutante type variety. I don't care if you know how to waltz or can tie a superior Windsor knot. I want to know that you can say "Please" and "Thank you" when required. Before a someone can buy a cell phone, I want to be assured that they know how to use their "indoor voice." I also want to know that they understand what it means to be discreet, and that it is fully possible to ruin another patron's meal by describing in full detail that afternoon's visit to the gynecologist.
You want a driver's license? Great. Along with having to prove that your eyesight is good enough to drive safely and that you understand traffic laws, I also want you to prove that you understand that signaling is polite and necessary. I want to know that you understand that it is better to miss your exit and be late for that all important business meeting than swerve into my lane, cut me off, and endanger the lives of me and mine.
You want to drink liquor? No problem. Prove that you are of a legal age, that you know that too much of the sauce will undoubtedly make you stupid, unworthy to drive, and that being drunk in no way gives you a worthy excuse for waking up your old college girlfriend (who you dumped during final exams right before graduation, you bastard) by calling her at 3:00 a.m., begging forgiveness and pleading that she take you back. Because that would be rude, you drunk nitwit.
You want a pack of cigarettes? It's your lungs. Just make sure of that. Take due consideration of those around you. If you don't smoke around me and send me running to the emergency room with a full blown asthma attack, I will refrain from flipping you off. The world will be a kinder, gentler place. Otherwise, I will be forced to pursue legislation that will forbid you from your guilty pleasure, and I don't want to do that. Really.
There are things about this modern world I rather like. I like how global the world has become. My niece, a fifth grader in District 150, has two best friends. They are from Pakistan and Syria. They are two of the sweetest, politest girls I've ever met. My niece hasn't learned tolerance and culture from t.v. shows like "Different Strokes" or magazines like National Geographic, she lives it. I wasn't exposed to different people from different cultures until college. One of the benefits of a global economy is that the world has become smaller, and we have the opportunity to know each other a bit better. It makes life more interesting. It also makes for much better cuisine, but I digress...
I realize that good manners and Charm School in the "Good Old Days" lived comfortably beside racism, the tendency to judge others on how they looked, and their social economic status rather than how they behaved. Being charming and having good manners doesn't have to be a matter of law. It should be a matter of education. There are many among us who derive a perverse pleasure and power by being rude. Yeah, hold a gun to my face, demand my purse, and you will most certainly have power over me... but not my bowels. It is a false power- unearned, and completely unaccompanied by respect.
True power must be accompanied by respect. People willingly follow those leaders who show both competency and concern for those serve under them. I want kids to learn the value and power in looking someone in the eyes, giving a firm handshake, and enunciating each spoken word- just as they learn how to read, write, and share their toys. I want adolescents to learn that at some point they will be wrong, and that it won't kill them to admit it. How rare, but refreshing, it is hear someone say, "Oh. You are right. I was wrong. That was my mistake. I am very sorry."
I want college and graduate students to be reminded that making money should always come second to family. I want them to prove that they know ambition, hardship, deadlines, or pressure are not valid excuses for cheating, lies or breaking the law. Test them to make sure they understand that yelling at a waitress, secretary, or anyone forbidden from yelling back is cowardly.
Elders are not exempt. Making it to a ripe old age does not give you the right to cut in line, snap at exhausted mothers trying to soothe their crying offspring, or trying to control what your daughter-in-law serves for Thanksgiving dinner. It also doesn't give you the right to mortify others because they disrespect you. No matter how much they deserve it.
Earlier this week a really tough looking guy- tattooed, leather adorned, long haired, a biker type held the door open for me as I entered my office building. I smiled and said, "Thank you." He smiled and replied, "You are very welcome." A little shared politeness and we both felt a little better about the world.
