Hell. Tony Robbins Style.

I hate temps. Actually, I don't hate them, a lot of temps are brighter and harder working than some of the slobs employed here. Rather, I hate when the big boss loses his "real" secretary for any amount of time, because the temp dutifully lets all calls through, including dorkwads attempting to motivate us workerbees to be, "Simply the Best." Ah, the world of motivational speaking. What Corporate America does when desperate to calm shareholders. "Yes, profits weren't what we expected, what we promised, but don't worry. We hired those top notch Voo Doo Priests at Six Sigma to turn our organization into a lean, mean, profit churning machine. All is well, no need to sell."

This year Six Sigma's call didn't get through. A little disappointing, because I did enjoy watching our organization's head honcho run onto stage swathed in white pajamas and black belt and doing fake Karate kicks. Almost had a stroke repressing my laughter.

No Six Sigma this year, but some other emperor without clothes will undoubtedly throw motivator words such as "synergy" "leadership" and "goals" our way. Yes, we'll learn that only discontent will motivate us past our pre-conceived limitations. We discover that we must "name it to claim it." Self talk. I can all but promise the phrase "Self Talk" will be used repeatedly. If my self talk is negative, so will my results. My mentoring will be negative, and thus I will be a negative leader and our corporate culture will be poisoned and our bottom line will suffer. What do you want to bet that Enron held these type of seminars every week? Part of the pain of these sessions is watching first timers. They want to be positive team players, so they get sucked into this cult like atmosphere. Deprogramming could take up to a year to complete. After a year of plastering on a fake smile, and responding with a hearty "FANTASTIC!" when asked simply, "How are you?" First timers realize that yelling "FANTASTIC! did not further their careers, relationships, or provide winning lottery numbers.

Why not just hand out The Little Engine that Could to every employee at the company Christmas party? It would save the Company (and investors) money. Damn. I hope that doesn't count as bad self talk. I will spend two working days at a pump up pep rally run by people who have no clue as to what we do (Here's a hint you pseudo psycho wannabes: WE'RE A CHARITY! WE DON'T HAVE INVESTORS. WE HAVE CONTRIBUTORS. WE DON'T MAKE MONEY, WE BEG FOR IT!) What peeves me even more is that my workload will still have to be completed by me -Peons don't get a temp- on time, which means my evenings will be spent at the office. I'm salaried, which means no overtime. Grrrr. There goes that negative self talk again. I know, if I can believe it, I can achieve it. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, I don't give a rat's ass if people like me.

Go ahead. Laugh at my pain. I can admit my life is a bad SNL skit. Take comfort knowing CAT recently sent an employee to address City Council regarding the possibilty of teaming together in the event of another major snow storm. This employee was a Six Sigma black belt no less. Yup. We are so screwed.



Voo Doo Priest Tony Robbins awakened the giant within in 2000 and got divorced, then quickly married a blonde he met at one of his seminars.

Misery Chic

So many celebrities doing good deeds these days. I hope that's what it is. I don't mean to be cynical. I can't help it. Seems to me that it is much, much, much easier to adopt a child from a war torn, famine plague region of the world, and then turn said kid over to a nanny to raise. You look good and don't have to get your hands dirty. There will still be time to get another tattoo, collagen lip implants and hubby can keep his the appointment for more blonde highlights. Really want to impress the world with a charitable act? Buy a manse in Katrina ravaged New Orleans! Yes, you and yours won't be denied a single comfort, BUT, you will have a front row seat viewing the misery of others.

Don't get me wrong. I am humbled by those who put themselves in harms way with a passion to end the pain and suffering of others.