Achoo... Bless you... and get @#$%*! off my flight!

I hate to fly. Absolutely despise it. Unlike most people, the thought of plummeting to the ground to my death with 200 screaming strangers isn't a problem. Frankly, should such an event take place I most certainly will soil myself, and I prefer my last few moments of shame not be witnessed by those people who know, love, or respect me. My hatred of flying comes the knowledge that I am breathing the recirculated air of 200 or so strangers. Flying in an commercial aircraft has a lot in common with being stuck in an elevator for hours on end. You are inhaling the noxious gases of fellow passengers, along with any other bacterial or virus vermin they may care to share. Because Polly has been an extra good girl this year, she was stuck on a holiday flight to Florida sitting next to a guy with a cold. A bad cold. Worse than a cold. Hell, this huge mucus membrane posing as a human being may have been sporting the latest mutation of the avian flu.

Forget terrorism. Forget the security checks. Body cavity searches? Useless. Instead of just checking for weapons the TSA needs to be checking for illness. Everyone should have to have their temperature taken before boarding an airplane. While waiting at the gate, any passenger who sneezes should be booted off the flight. There should be sensors to detect any personal gas emitted from passengers waiting to board. If they can put smoke detectors in aircraft bathrooms, they ought to be able to put fart detectors in the cabin.

I have been sick a few times in my life. I do have compassion for the ill. Except for when they try to fly. You see, I do not appreciate the hassle of modern travel, some of it rather humiliating (hell, if I want some "action" these days, I only need to go through airport security) only to arrive two flights, numerous delays, lost luggage, and a piece of crap rental car later at my destination SICK because some inconsideration nimrod didn't want to change his plans. Yeah, ruin it for the rest of us, you ASS.

So, for the snotball who sat next to met on United Airlines flight 268 to Fort Lauderdale yesterday, I hope Santa brings you JACK SQUAT!!!