The Journal Star Thinks You're Fat

A new day, another really stupid editorial by the JP Star. Too many Americans are overweight. Really? You think? Apparently a ladder truck had to be used to lift a 400 pound deceased Peorian from their digs last month. We are also informed that OSF has spent big bucks on a levy system to lift the hefty to and from beds. Oh, yeah! And OSF also has 17 people working full time solely lifting people. The editorial fails to mention that said staff spends a good deal of their time lifting frail, elderly, weak, infirm... Well, you know, SICK people. Everyone knows being overweight is bad for you. Or at least everyone knows that the health community says being overweight is bad for you. Why not an editorial about the perils of smoking? Tomorrow probably.

Well, those slim, trim, omega whatever inhaling, fish eating, health nuts are screwed too. Today's Wall Street Journal had an incredibly long article about mercury in tuna fish. Apparently there is a ton of mercury in tuna and you shouldn't get near the stuff. Actually, tuna is harmless. No, tuna is healthy and you should ingest every morsel that you can get your deformed mercury tainted hands on. No one can agree, including the EPA and the FDA, both who are lobbied big time by the fish industry. My advice, eat more steak. (Mad Cow disease is only found in ground beef and only in the nasty parts of the cow you would find disgusting anyway. I think that's what they said on the Oprah Show.)

Another day, another scare tactic by the media to screw and guilt you out the things you enjoy. If you're not overweight than you're probably bulemic, or worse, anorexic. Well, you're sure in the hell not ideal because then you'd never have a reason to watch CNN or buy a newspaper.

You know what I think? Being a bit overweight is good for you.* All that fat and grease lubes up the joints. It keeps the heart nice and moist. It probably keeps those neurotransmitters flowing through the brain all slick like. What happens when you fail to put oil in a car? It seizes up and dies. How many stories have we read about strong, "healthy" young athletes falling over dead of heart attacks? Well, a couple anyway. Preservatives? Yum! Gobble up those Twinkies. If preservatives can keep a Twinkie "fresh" for five years, think what a box or two of the treats will do for your skin and arteries. If we believe the media, terrorists are going to set off a dirty bomb any day now. Therefore, any gut hanging out is a sign of a responsible and prepared individual with necessary reserves in case of emergency. At a minimum, we all should be storing some Twinkies and MSG along with the duct tape and bottled water (one gallon, per person, per day!) in our paranoid-if-there's-a-thermal-nuclear-war-you-don't-want-to-live-anyway-survival-kit.

*Polly, like the medical community and the media, is talking out of her ass and has no absolute proof to back up her claims.